Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation