Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Brilliant!
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My typo game is string.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Message from the dog groomers
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.