There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.