Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
You Might Also Like
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll