Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.