Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
May never get over this
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.