Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Okay
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are