Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom