ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
This January has 47 Mondays
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?