Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Best seat on the street 😍
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.