ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
This is my brand.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.