ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
You Might Also Like
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Who.
Did.
This?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.