Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My new favorite headline
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.