me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
You Might Also Like
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Van Gone
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch