me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
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You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Möther may I have a snäck
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
They grow up so quick
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.