Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
😂💯
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen