Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single