Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
🚲+physics = winner
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Body by Oreos
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
sir, my pâté if you please
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.