Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you