me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Follow me for more life hacks.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting