Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Namaste
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂