Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
You Might Also Like
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?