ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My work here is don’t.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]