Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.