Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train