me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders