@donni: ME: So what's happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
@NewDadNotes: Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it's head is flat?
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
@DeepDarkFear: "Hate it when I think of her and suddenly we're teleported to a picturesque location, and have to dance to a random love song." - Indians
@shutupmikeginn: Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
@ChrisScarlette: *bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
@3sunzzz: This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.