ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
nobody’s gonna understand
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.