@donni: ME: So what's happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
@KimmyMonte: You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can't make him drink a horse
@AnOrangeSNES: *Leans head up to wife as I'm dying*
Me: My only regret is...
Me: ...not having something cooler to say as I die.
@Habbibti: A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it's mostly people peeing on the floor.
MAN EATING NUTS: "Want one?" [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: "May I have… seven?"
[coat rustles excitedly]
@abbycohenwl: Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*