ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
You Might Also Like
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
when you are just born a rebel
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Duolingo getting serious.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all