Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”