Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’d love this…lol
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
You learn something every day
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck