IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*