Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
You Might Also Like
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.