me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.