my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Just parrot things
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
is this store having a stroke wtf
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Who did it better?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”