Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”