My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
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ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.