Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.