Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.