Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
A small tragedy.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea