ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
m’lady
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.