ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.