person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I feel seen
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.