me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
new career option?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.