me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
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My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists