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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Did my cat write this
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*