me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
You Might Also Like
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.