I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful