Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.