Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
You Might Also Like
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
the battle rages on
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant