ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later