ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
When can I start eating bats again.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒